reasons vs. motives

i don't exactly know anymore... i don't know what's mine, what's yours... what's his or hers... i don't know why am i doing certain stuff... who am i doing it for and what am i doing it for... i have absolutely no idea.. i feel that the line between reason and motive is blurring.. the line seems to be merging into one... it's just so confusing.. when there's a million and one things running through your head and you have absolutely no idea, when did it start and how did it start... and you just feel so jumbled up inside.. and then, your brain goes into a sudden state of blankness.. how did that happen?? keine ahnung...

hmm.. not making much sense here.. should just rename this blog to 'verbal diarrhoea'.. coz it seems to become my ranting corner for a brain with a capacity too small to hold and handle many stuff, yet there is still so much that came, coming and to come... oh sheesh... time to work hard but.. oh crap, i should just give up...

sep...

okay, let's see.. i'm more or less done with my geography project.. managed to crap up something and i really hope that it's correct though coz i did not s/u my module.. so i really need to do well for every single assignment and what-have-you... geography lab in the afternoon was pretty fun.. well, almost.. tracing, colouring and drawing maps.. goodness, that reminds me of all the good old days back in primary school and kindergarten, where we think it's so fun to connect-the-dots and do colouring... but trust me, today's one was enough to kill my eyes...

time frame: 2005/2006
destination: deutschland
duration of stay: ???

oh wells, attended the dept sep talk on tuesday... let's just say, i got whacked on my head again.. it's so near, yet so far... every single thing that i want out of sep.. it's there, yet at the same time, it's not.. yeah, karlsruhe is not amongst the choices for the german universities but wang chi-hwa said that he will help us ask around and see if other depts can free up slots for eufo and me... the 2nd choice would be hamburg-harburg but i'm not that keen on that school coz it's too far up north... *so picky!!!*... and then, there's the mapping of modules too, which is going to be one whole ball of trouble.. sigh!!! and the dateline is during the exam period.. spannend!!! *faints*... and yes, there's the decision to go for a semester or the entire year... well, the most important factor will still be $$$.. i mean, it's going to be really expensive... considering that the exchange rate is already twice of that at home... and everything is going to be auf deutsch, i will need a huge engineering dictionary to translate all the terms.. and of course, there's still all that i'm leaving back home... kelvin was saying, how anything and everything can happen back home within the period of half a year..

so much to consider for a small brain of mine... so much stuff on my plate such that i have no idea on which to start off with first... i can see the plate overflowing already... and there are, definitely, reasons that are holding me back here.. commitments and what-have-you... i need to sort that plate out real soon.. before everything starts falling off the plate...

oh yah, before i forget, one of my birthday wishes was fulfilled... thanks be to God... yupz, go figure what it is.. but no prizes for getting it right..

event management..

everytime when i think that i am about to die out and collapse.. He will bring something else into my sight.. something that would make me really happy and for that moment, just forget all about other issues.. this is how wonderful He is...

let's see, the day started off not too well... coupled with all those falling asleep and i-don't-understand-what's-happening sessions... i thought that today would just be another one of those many days.. but it turned out to be different.. He brought me something that i love doing loads.. well, not as much as my 1st love but good enough... He brought me 'event management'...

something which i've been comtemplating about... it just felt so nice to be able to share my views and throw out ideas and opinions.. i really love publicity stunts... of course i can't do it as well as nic does.. and i do get influenced from what i see of existing publicity materials.. but i'm just surprised at what came out of my head.. considering that i'm in a state of 'KOPF LOS'... despite all the craziness flying around me and i can seriously sense that i'm going crazy any minute, this short little interruption really brought me sufficient joy to keep going.. and of course, i'm so looking forward to the actual event itself...

and the best part is, i'm doing what i really like to do during the event itself!!! DECORS!!!! oh man, goodness knows when did i fall in love with it.. but i just really love it.. and yes, i have the honour of working with deborah on this... and of course, many others too... and sean, as the head!!! *laughs*....

event management... i wonder how long will my passion for it last.. well, maybe i'm just so unsure of everything, that's why He has yet to tell me things that i want to know and show me what's ahead... and what He has planned out for me... i need His guidance... but for now, i'm happy enough...

husbands and wives...

"wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord... husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up to her.. in this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself... for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh..."
Ephesians 5:22,25,28,29a,31

God did not ask the wife to love her husband coz love comes from within of the woman... but to submit to her husband, to respect her other half... on the other hand, God tells the husband to love his wife coz it is not easy for a man to love his other half... man needs the respect he wants and sometimes, he controls too much...

the woman needs to be loved.. she receives her gratification by being reassured constantly, in words and actions, that she is loved... God designed the woman to have an ability of awareness to perceive... so that she can perceive her husbands motives, especially when he does not recognise whether they are pure or otherwise...

mamma mia!!! oh man.. i finally watched it and it's really one of the better aussie productions i've watched so far... the dance was good, the singing was good... and it's pretty smart of them to use songs that everyone know... so everyone was singing along too!!! and there were people dancing at the end of the whole show too!!! oh yes, the music conductor was really funny.. with him being part of the act as well.. right.. go figure...

hmm.. haven't exactly enjoyed myself so much till the past 2 days.. maybe this long break was a good thing.. from all the madness in school and all.. and of whatever else that is flying pass me too... oh man, i really love the entire production... it was really much better than saturday night fever, though nothing can beat the dancing in sat. night... but good enough... and yes, it cost me quite a bit to watch this production so it has no reason not to be good.. right... feeling quite happy now... so now, there's no more excuse for me to slack and all.. better go do my german hausaufgabe now...

re: rag comm 04/05

haven't laughed so much and continuously for so long for a really long time.. but today, we did just that.. we laughed so much and so hard, that it hurts so much.. i mean, our sides.. we laughed for an hour straight.. continuously to a point, whereby we don't even remember what we were laughing about... it just felt so good to be together with the rag comm again... we just laughed about anything and everything.. from serving food.. to drinking tea.. to having dessert... to going on-stage to collect our certs... to posing for photos... to our complicated relationships within the comm... everything... all of us have not felt like this for a really long time... we even want to meet up regularly to have these 'laughing' sessions so as to train up our abs and all.. right... *laughs*..

seriously think that our table was the noisest... cheering and clapping so loudly whenever someone from our table was up on-stage... laughing really loudly at all our silly actions and all... and laughing at others too... never exactly thought that a simple 7-course dinner at the nus guild house would be that memorable... well, the company made it though..

josh was going on about how i will definitely do rag again.. but come to think of it, if this bunch of people ain't going to join the comm, don't exactly think that i would too.. the temptation is there.. but the atmosphere will be different.. i know this is dumb but.. i don't exactly know how to explain it.. but get my point?? and almost the whole table of us want to go for yep next year during the semester holidays.. so chances of us doing rag again?? well, doesn't look that good... oh wells.. till the next time we meet again.. most likely to study or for our long overdued pd and rag head treats... viele dank für alle erinnerungen!!!

ranting!!!

just let me rant for the next few moments to come... just realised that i've a pile of work to do... it's not that they are obviously stacked on my table.. but just that, i remember what i have to do and all... and now, my room looks like a war-zone.. stuff are spilling from the table, all the way to the floor... with a few 'mt. everest' at the side of the table.. and papers all over the place... oh yah, the main point is, i've not started on any of my work yet... 2 geog essays and loads of tutorials!!!!crap, i better start somewhere man!!! else i'll never get them done at all!!!

and yes, i really feel like i've aged 20 years or what... haven't felt so tired for a really long time... and today, i really did... dragging myself home after class today was really a challenge... thank God for my parents... my mum came to pick me up after class... else, i am so sure, i would have collapsed while walking home... okay, i'm exaggerating...

okay, just a post to let me rant for the moment.. now that i'm done.. i better get going.. sean is done with his PS essay.. i better start on mine.. somehow... else there will be no way i can throw something out by thursday!!! plus, will be so busy this whole week.. with socialising!!! oh wells... time to go pay Gibbs-Duhem a visit!!!

blessed...

today went passed me like some whirlwind.. with huge winds sweeping passed me, it's already nightfall.. and yes, i am still stuck on my stupid tutorials and not to mention, another stupid geog essay, which is due on friday and another, the following friday.. and yes, the week to come is one heck of buzzing around.. well, not in the academic sense but the social sense..

today was actually a pretty good day, considering that i did what i really love doing.. act stupid and silly.. but boy, i just feel so tired after that.. see, i always have this logic of resting and conserving energy the night before, so i won't feel that tired after the whole event.. but i came home yesterday night, without knowing that it was 1130pm already... so smart right?? and yes, i fell asleep in front of the com... waste of electricity!!!

met huiling in the afternoon to work on our geog essay.. goodness, it's in times like these that i think of miss wong.. all her crazy tactics and weird sense of humour... back then, it was really nerve-wrecking but now, it brings me the laughters.. can still remember how she was complaining about being unable to retire... goodness... and who can forget all her great adventures of chasing earthquakes and tsunamis and what other natural disasters... oh man, as much as i don't want to admit, i miss miss wong!!! and how she used to scold us in class and wanted to treat us to 'pipsi-cola'... sigh!! those were the days...

hmm.. just a tot that came up a few moments ago.. i really wonder, how can someone's attitude towards another change with a snap of the fingers... and it's not as though the other party did something terrible or whatever sorts to the other, but it just happened like that.. *faints*... i wonder what run through the brain of the first person... i mean like, what in the world did the other party do wrong?? and in the process, wreck and lose the friendship... i really don't know what to say, but it's such a great pity.. on how friends come to this stage of being strangers.. oh wells, the complexity of one's brain and emotions... sheesh, i wish i can understand it man!!! then maybe things won't be like this... sehr schade!!! ganz schlimm!!!

hmm, don't want to let issues like these get to me... even though friends mean a lot to me.. but He has blessed me with even more faithful and constant friends than i need.. He has given me friends that have gone through childhood days, teenage blues and now, school days... friends that have been with me through the tough times and the happy times.. from the moment i accidentally sat on her finger to those from the weirdest situations... no matter what, He has blessed me loads.. and has been the constant for me too!!! when i am faithless, He is faithful...

and yes, He has blessed me with the best i could ever ask for... a crowd of more than 30, whom i really love loads and am nuts over... and no matter how tired i am, they always bring up my spirits.. even if i have to act stupid and silly!!! think i better go start on ess... else it will be another session of 'i-don't-know-what's-happening'!!!! sigh... i feel so blessed!!!

hmm.. the state of my brain now.. feels like it's an area of junk inside there... debris and rubbish all should just go right into my head.. except that i'm not part of the national environment agency... =)

childhood dreams vs. parents..

seems like a really long time ago... actually approximately 8 years ago... anyway, on my way home, i saw a mother who was staring at this booklet titled 'choice of secondary schools'... think she was trying to decide which schools to choose for her daughter, who was seated next to her but was looking out of the bus window, oblivious to what her mum was doing...

my lab partner plays volleyball and he's going to represent singapore in some international match in december... he's pretty stressed and tired now, with school, training, hall... and he said this, i'm trying to find a balance between doing what i really like and doing what my parents want me to do...

once was having a discussion with 'prof tan' about how we are living up to the expectations of parents and this was all he said, it's true that you need to answer to your parents but at the end of the day, it is you yourself that you have to answer to..

sometimes parents tell us that, there is a limit to how much they can offer us, and the rest is entirely up to us... but honestly, many of us still live, trying to fulfill the expectations set for us by them... it's really weird, how they always tell us that, at the end of the day, we have to answer to ourselves and have to take care of our futures, yet subconciously, the opinions of our parents still matter a lot.. is it coz they have gone through more than we did?? or is it coz it's safer to stick to the norm, ie. just follow where society is going towards... making decisions out of practicality and nothing out of the extraordinary??

the greatest irony is how we always say, when we become parents, we will not be like how our parents were.. well, admit it, more than half the time, we fall into the trap of following the same parenting style and rules as our own parents.. coz they have 'been there, done that'.. and they definitely know better than us on what to expect and all.. so no matter how much we try to run away from it, there's no way of escaping...

of course, there are also parents who allow their own kids to run their own lives... it has both pros and cons.. and it differs from situation to situation... some parents lose control of their kids... some parents end up having kids that are too independent... some parents have kids who manage to discover and pursue their own dreams...

so what's the conclusion?? as much as we choose to lead a life of independence, we can never skew away from our parents... their opinions will always matter.. practicality and security of the future will eventually influence us into making decisions that tom, dick and harry will make...

oh wells, this is just a verbal diarrhoea of my thoughts on what my lab partner said... not sure if it made any sense... and there's definitely more which i want to say but i shall hold my peace here.. in moments like these, i question my purpose in life.. what's the point of being on earth.. what my goals are... what i want to do with the next 50 years of my life... where will i be then... blah blah blah... maybe it's the 'hitting-20' syndrome... maybe coz i'm too stressed with school now that i'm thinking gibberish... but whatever it is.. i need Him in my life.. i really do... else i really see no purpose in everything... if it won't for His grace, a million and one things could and would have happened and who knows where I would be now... in this long journey ahead, treading a path of the unknown, i need Him to hold my hand and bring me through it all.. i need Him to carry me when i fall, i need Him to walk with me every step of the way... i need Him...

jumble.. jumbled... jump...

schmidt, nusselt and prandtl are messing up my brain now.. i should be spending time with them but i think i need a little break from them.. oh yes, who can forget about their best friend, reynolds too?? he's one heck of a troublesome guy!!!

anyway, had a really busy weekend and a start of the week too... and yes, what a stupid way of starting the day.. well, the story is a little too long to be typed here... oh yes, if there's anything that i must say, it's about my ss lecturer... well, he's a really nice guy but he has the best pronunciation and spelling ever... a little bit worse than my engin lecturers.. for instant, earthquakes are spelt as 'earthquicks'... okay, i shan't be evil anymore.. ss always make me sleep though.. or is it coz i have a really long weekend, that's why i'm so tired??

oh yes, met chiu weng today in the engin canteen... yup, i was having lunch while he was lucky enough to be off from class early... anyway, didn't exactly had a good start this morning but with all the crap that comes out of chiu weng's mouth, well, everything that's bothering me, momentarily vaporised... at least for that moment... rubbish ranging from how i should be frozen for 3000 years to my plot to get rid of chiu weng... guess we are just out to kill each other... but it's really nice to see him around.. as irritating and whatever else.. it helped for that moment.. and he said some stuff which set me thinking a little but not enough to bother me for too long... once again, maybe for that moment but not for long...

hmm... everyone around me seems to be falling in love, if not already in love.. oh man, this is so sweet.. seeing the guys being so sweet to their girlfriends and vice versa... doing silly stuff for each other... and i mean, really silly stuff... but seriously, just feel so happy for all of them... i mean, it's really wonderful to see them happy and all.. of course, it's not always that smooth-sailing... seen those that are really painful and it really hurts.. it hurts so deep that after a while, everything just feels so numb... well, some believe that time will do the trick but it does not always work... oh well, guess we all just crave for that feeling whereby your heart just skips a beat when you see him or her... maybe kah sum's right.. stb should just title this month as 'romancing singapore'... and yes, who needs sdu when everyone is actually doing just fine... *laughs*...

as you can see, thoughts are just flying all over my head... so i'm just putting down what i'm thinking at this moment... i so want to sleep now.. but schmidt and prandtl are still waiting for me to discuss issues with them... oh well, think i shall go look for them then... bis später...

the key is to... listen...

didn't have cell for a while and i really do miss cell... it's really like something that i'll look forward to and it just feels so good to be there every week... and for once, need not bother about school and all...

today's text was on fellowship.. and the word to summarise the entire text is LISTEN.. spend time to just listen to your close friends... not just on a 'hi-bye' basis... not just about catching up but hearing out what bothered them the most.. what issues are more meaningful to them.. can't exactly put everything down in words here...

then cheepeng had this mini-exercise for all of us... pair up and listen to each other... i paired up with deborah... which was a really good thing coz haven't talked to her for a really long time... and it just felt so good to share it all.. debbie was sharing hers too and just felt so encouraged by her sharing.. really... and i'm especially drawn to her screensaver message: work isn't so tough when i'm overwhelmed by the joy of the Lord! try it!

anyway, here's the misfit of the day: joanne, sean & me were at the bus-stop waiting for bus no. 165.. we were just talking away when suddenly we saw the bus... all jo and me did was to scream, while pointing at the bus... sean was like, run!! and yes, we caught the bus... but we were thinking that the people on the bus, must be thinking we are nuts... well, the thought of what happened is still really funny... *laughs*...

in a nutshell...

hmm... for once, decided to come straight home after classes... been a while since i did that... having dinner at 12mn was almost a norm for more than a week... didn't exactly feel like staying in school today though...

in a nutshell, let's just see what happened to me during this week... for starters, i fell over a coffee table while trying to navigate my way in the dark.. have this huge blue-black on my leg now.. and jianz was going on, on how we should never announce such embarrassing issues to others.. wore skirt to school and boy, it was hideous... that's it, enough of skirts... dropped by raffles hall and bumped into jane.. spent some time catching up with her.. complaining everything from rag to hall to studies... skipped part tech lecture again but decided to go for an hour of it, which was a total waste of time as well... met cherie for lunch, which was really great.. attempted to try and study but failed somehow... too much into the socialising rather than the books...

got back the cet, ess and german papers... as usual, ess was a total disaster but a little surprising.. managed to pass cet and german but was way below the average of the class... which is not exactly a very good thing... was telling eunice, how the Lord has always give and take from me... and how i felt that He would take my german instead, considering that cet was pretty surprising too... i know that He is driving at something and i know exactly what He is driving at and He's making me learn... till the day i can let go of it and learn completely, He will still let it happen and make me learn... somehow, i'm slowly coming to terms with the lifestyle of a chem-engin student.. i know it's a little late, considering that i'm already a year 2 student.. and realised that since i'm placed here by Him, and it's definitely not by chance, why not just do what i can to glorify and honour my Creator... a hard fact to swallow and a tough 4-year course.. but He has always provided me with the grace to go through it and surely He will still coz He is faithful while man is not...

tough week with mixed feelings.. not from me but from the people around me... everyone is burning out coz of stress, school, competition, tests, bell curves and what have you... it's pretty scary to see people burning out, breaking down, doing 'sudden' silly stuffs like watching some really morbid serials.. all i can say is that, they need a break... go slack, though no one would actually do that.. go take a walk by the beach, remind yourself of the goodness of life, how we can still find little joys despite all the frenzy around us... idealistic indeed but it's not that difficult a thing to do, it's just a matter of choice.. how much you are willing to let go and go enjoy yourself for once, without any worries... but with the clear knowledge that after this, you will be refreshed enough to continue on... it won't kill to have a break, rather it's a necessity!!! go and take the break if you must...

meanwhile, still trying to pirate the les choristes soundtrack off the internet but it's not exactly working out.. must be some big hint, telling me to stop downloading... hmm, don't exactly mind a kind soul who will sponsor the cd... *laughs*... and yes, more tests next week... and more tutorials and assignments to be done..

les chorites

click here for the website!!! les choristes... jasline's brillient idea but it was a good one... took a break and caught the movie with jas, kaiwei and dan!!! really good french film with really great music and acting... aber sehr schade... das film ist sehr kurz.. es dauert nur 1.75 stunde... really love this show... and really love the company!!! would really love to buy the soundtrack but it was out-of-stock till next week... oh man, why can't the germans make better movies?? *laughs*

words of wisdom..

i've walked more miles than you.. experienced more in life than you.. been there, done that more than you did.. not everything that you work hard and put in the effort for, will always produce results... sometimes, you will get immediate results.. sometimes, you will get results in the long run.. sometimes, you may not even get anything.. so what are you going to do about it?? the important thing is, no matter what, keep on going.. don't stop here...

got these words from a friend of mine... hmm.. maybe age really does make one wiser... what do you all think about it??