i think i've messed up my life.. BIG TIME!! and i seriously meant it.. i've messed up my life, in every sense of the word.. just when i thought that perhaps, i'll get a second chance to get things right, everything just transpire in such a way, i don't even know where it is pointing to anymore.. and what a time to get it all messed up..
having exams now.. not exactly the 'WOW, IT'S THE LAST EXAMS OF MY ENTIRE UNDERGRADUATE LIFE!!!' but rather one of much fear, uncertainty, anxiety.. really.. i honestly do feel that i'm hitting rock bottom and it doesn't take much for me to crack.. really.. i've never felt so pessimistic, so dark, so confused inside.. even when i was doing a paper, my mind was actually on something else.. now tell me, how messed up i really am..
if this is really a time of much testing and building of me, i can only say that i can only see into the immediate and i'm really cracking.. romans said that in all these things, we will be more than conquerors through Him who loved us.. but i'm really finding it really hard to claim the promise.. i know that i shouldn't see just the immediate but i should focus on that eventual finish line, but i can't.. my vision is just so clouded, that it doesn't show anything beyond..
i know that i need more faith and i am very much aware of it.. i know that i need to trust more.. that in everything, i have someone who knows where i am and will be going and whatever it is, it will be a plan to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future.. but will i take the step of faith to claim that? i really don't know.. woman of little faith, that's how i am feeling right now..
perhaps i'm really just making a mountain out of a molehill.. and things will work themselves out coz i have a faithful Father.. but will i stick through with the faith? will i seek Him in everything and listen? or will i be the child that blames Him for not fixing my broken toys, when it's obvious that i've never even let Him have the chance to do so?
i'm scared.. my fears overwhelm me too much.. but i want to claim the promise too, i want to grow in faith.. will i eventually be 'more than conquerors'? i need more faith..
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
KA-BOOM!!!
this is literally the longest i have not written on my blog and so much has happened in the span of the past one month.. from fyp poster to marketing project, then to long overnights in e2 and e5 slogging over design 2 - hen and finally to human resource.. and then, lsm dropped a bombshell somewhere along the way.. more bombshells to be dropped.. the continuation of design 2, where yours truly is doing what she does best, i.e. be in-charged of $$$ and there's enzyme tech floating somewhere in the background..
i'm tired.. i really am.. i learnt that i need to control my emotions more.. i need to be more emotionally stable.. and i've never been so clear of what i really want.. i just want to right the wrong.. and there's just one decision that i never felt so certain over.. just leaving it to be executed..
anyway, i had a visit from an old friend.. or rather, i visited the old friend.. and it was disappointing.. with 'harold prince' printed in front, i honestly thought that they brought in the broadway or west end version.. but it's australian.. nothing offending or whatsoever.. just disappointed.. maybe coz i knew the story too well? maybe coz i've watched it too many time?? maybe coz i knew exactly what will happen at each point? or maybe i'm just being too critical here coz it's my favourite musical.. and yes, i watched phantom of the opera the musical, on stage for the 2nd time, exactly 12 years apart.. and i'm telling you this, i'll still watch it again at her majesty's theatre in london, if i ever get the chance to do so.. and i miss watching it with my phantom.. there wasn't any post-ice cream sessions or walks along esplanade.. but then again, the opportunity will still exist..
well, honestly, i really want to return to the paris opera house and walk once through, through it.. to relive the possible moments of the 'what if's of the entire musical being played out before my very eye, in the very place where it took place.. and of course, if the opening does come for a visit to 7 stories below, to see that mysterious lake beneath, where rumour has it, that the opera ghost once lived there..
i'm tired.. i really am.. 2 more weeks to the exams and one more month to the end of the first phase of my life.. and upcoming of a graduation trip to the land of my ancestors centuries ago.. with a mix of ppl.. a chinese history professional, one with a desire to plough some fields, while another with the yearn to climb some mountains.. 2 of which have no specific agendas.. but it will be good.. and so till then..
i'm tired.. i really am.. i learnt that i need to control my emotions more.. i need to be more emotionally stable.. and i've never been so clear of what i really want.. i just want to right the wrong.. and there's just one decision that i never felt so certain over.. just leaving it to be executed..
anyway, i had a visit from an old friend.. or rather, i visited the old friend.. and it was disappointing.. with 'harold prince' printed in front, i honestly thought that they brought in the broadway or west end version.. but it's australian.. nothing offending or whatsoever.. just disappointed.. maybe coz i knew the story too well? maybe coz i've watched it too many time?? maybe coz i knew exactly what will happen at each point? or maybe i'm just being too critical here coz it's my favourite musical.. and yes, i watched phantom of the opera the musical, on stage for the 2nd time, exactly 12 years apart.. and i'm telling you this, i'll still watch it again at her majesty's theatre in london, if i ever get the chance to do so.. and i miss watching it with my phantom.. there wasn't any post-ice cream sessions or walks along esplanade.. but then again, the opportunity will still exist..
well, honestly, i really want to return to the paris opera house and walk once through, through it.. to relive the possible moments of the 'what if's of the entire musical being played out before my very eye, in the very place where it took place.. and of course, if the opening does come for a visit to 7 stories below, to see that mysterious lake beneath, where rumour has it, that the opera ghost once lived there..
i'm tired.. i really am.. 2 more weeks to the exams and one more month to the end of the first phase of my life.. and upcoming of a graduation trip to the land of my ancestors centuries ago.. with a mix of ppl.. a chinese history professional, one with a desire to plough some fields, while another with the yearn to climb some mountains.. 2 of which have no specific agendas.. but it will be good.. and so till then..
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