advertising for faith..

i think i've messed up my life.. BIG TIME!! and i seriously meant it.. i've messed up my life, in every sense of the word.. just when i thought that perhaps, i'll get a second chance to get things right, everything just transpire in such a way, i don't even know where it is pointing to anymore.. and what a time to get it all messed up..

having exams now.. not exactly the 'WOW, IT'S THE LAST EXAMS OF MY ENTIRE UNDERGRADUATE LIFE!!!' but rather one of much fear, uncertainty, anxiety.. really.. i honestly do feel that i'm hitting rock bottom and it doesn't take much for me to crack.. really.. i've never felt so pessimistic, so dark, so confused inside.. even when i was doing a paper, my mind was actually on something else.. now tell me, how messed up i really am..

if this is really a time of much testing and building of me, i can only say that i can only see into the immediate and i'm really cracking.. romans said that in all these things, we will be more than conquerors through Him who loved us.. but i'm really finding it really hard to claim the promise.. i know that i shouldn't see just the immediate but i should focus on that eventual finish line, but i can't.. my vision is just so clouded, that it doesn't show anything beyond..

i know that i need more faith and i am very much aware of it.. i know that i need to trust more.. that in everything, i have someone who knows where i am and will be going and whatever it is, it will be a plan to prosper me, to give me a hope and a future.. but will i take the step of faith to claim that? i really don't know.. woman of little faith, that's how i am feeling right now..

perhaps i'm really just making a mountain out of a molehill.. and things will work themselves out coz i have a faithful Father.. but will i stick through with the faith? will i seek Him in everything and listen? or will i be the child that blames Him for not fixing my broken toys, when it's obvious that i've never even let Him have the chance to do so?

i'm scared.. my fears overwhelm me too much.. but i want to claim the promise too, i want to grow in faith.. will i eventually be 'more than conquerors'? i need more faith..