more than often not, this is what i do everyday.. nothing.. when the whole world is mugging and studying their guts out.. or rushing around like a busy bee.. or running through the jungles, serving out the part of a singaporean guy's green life.. or even better, working... well, everyone seems to be doing something while yours truly.. woke up at an unearthly hour of 12noon and then watched vcd and wasted the whole afternoon away.. can you believe this?? i even watched the semi-finals of the olympics table tennis women's single?? and yes, rooting for li jiawei... then i fell asleep again... i mean, that was my day.. doing nothing... maybe i'm too used to running around doing something, which has absolutely no association with academics.. stuff which i really like...
conflicts.. hate arguing with people... but somehow, that's what i have been doing for the past few days.. i hate this.. i hate having to walk away from it, not resolving it at all.. i hate having to sit and wallow in myself.. especially if you know perfectly well that what the other party said is true, you just want to run away and hide somewhere.. i think even the bushes will do the trick just fine.. or just when you feel so tired, that you don't even want to comment about what has been said, you just take it as your fault and leave it as that...i feel like i'm sinking.. sinking in this really ridiculous pool of myself.. it's like i'm drowning in my own brain, in my own blood, in my own system, in my own silly thoughts and all.. keine ahnung!!! that's what i am having now...
after blogging for about a month, it just suddenly struck me.. what's the point of blogging? well, some say it's an outlet for you to vent and release all your energy.. some say it's just to keep your friends updated about yourself, to make sure that you have not disappeared from the surface of this planet.. like what is it man!!! if it is to just check on your friends, why don't just pick up the phone and call?? but i realised that that is not always possible... the reason being, TIME... something that we all want more of but will never have enough of.. i realised how much can happen in the course of one week, even without you knowing it or realising and so much can happen to the stage whereby, you feel the distance between your friends and yourself... maybe that's why blogging is a good thing?? you keep yourself updated with your friends' lives.. but more than often not, it's just the surface...
don't know why.. but just on thursday, i got hit with this tot.. as crazy & morbid as it seems and as unlikely it will ever happen in this lifetime of mine.. but i really want to know what runs through the brain of everyone.. every silly tot, every crazy idea, every tearful tot... i want to know what is it that made one smile that way.. why she can suddenly smile to herself for no reason.. what sweet tot is running through her mind.. i want to know what is it that made one upset, though for some people, they have it written on their faces... but i want to know.. i want to know what caused him to act that way.. i seek to understand people.. but the more i try, the more i don't understand them.. i guess, this is way off the league of psychology or sociology or whatever else.. i'm just not an arts student..
mein onkel sagt.. das ist DEPRESSION.. vielleicht?? once someone told me of how one can sink into depression if he/she is left alone for too long a time.. but how can that be so?? though i must admit that there is some element of truth in this statement.. well, even if it did happen to me.. somehow i won't allow it to happen?? i can't let it happen.. i have too much to lose... as stupid it seems, a chain reaction will spark if it happen.. i cannot afford to let it happen..
confession: the weakness of man..
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