so this is it... today marks the end of yet another semester... a semester that went passed too fast with too much happening.. actually not that much, rather it's that internal battle with school and many other issues...
i crashed and cracked but i did not burn.. i broke and surrender but there's no need for a white flag... i thought i needed the white flag but realised that i didn't... subtly, He was there to sustain me... He was there to carry me through.. though i reached for Him and could neither feel nor find Him, He was there and is still there... He is ever constant... when i've been unfaithful, He has been...
hmt hit home hard and cold... throw in the many unresolved and uncertain happenings, it totally got to me.. when the person i needed most was not around, He provided me with other friends and my family to sustain me physically, knowing well that i needed physical support..
and yes, i so needed yesterday's sermon.. it was really like the reply that God gave to me... the helplessness felt by king jehoshaphat.. an honest confession to his people that he had no confidence of the imminent war.. looking to the Lord for strength and help.. confessing the weakness of man, yet praising the Lord, giving thanks to Him... the land of judea went to war and the Lord was with them.. indeed, the battle is His.. similarly, even as david faced goliath, he said the exact same words, that the battle is the Lord's... and nope, i can still praise the Lord.. i can still sing!!!
as disastrous ess was, i was like telling myself that i cannot crack.. not anymore coz it's been enough and i have a bigger God taking care of it.. was talking to alfred on sat and we'll like saying, how much we need God in this whole exam, else many things would have fallen apart and we would have fall with them as well...
so that's it... as much as i wished that somehow things will be better and more predictable and within my controls, many a times, He has showed me that it is not... He knows but i don't... all He asks is for me to trust in Him and have that faith... oh, how little faith i have...
spent the rest of the day with xingyi, doreen and chaiyen... jianz could not join us coz of his wednesday's paper.. but chills, gonna try and plan something during the holidays... and once again, orchard road looked so different.. haven't visited it for more than a month... with the christmas lights, the christmas cheers.. more renovations done to the shopping malls... the moving of shops from one unit to another... hmm, everything seems so foreign... late lunch cum dinner at mos burger... the company reminded me of how cn6 first started out... we were an all-girls class... but there was reshuffling done to the class arrangment within the 1st two days of school... but no harm done, i love my class just the same... all those new friendships formed within and outside of class.. and the strengthening of existing bonds...
anyway, we went shopping.. xingyi was not contented with her spenditure though coz she did not manage to get all that she wanted... at esprit, i became the sample for the promoter to doodle the christmas collection of red earth on... had like purple and cream glittery eye shadows on me... pretty nice shade of colour but she applied them real thick... much more than i usually do... *shocking!!!!* we shopped all the way from wisma to heeren to esprit to cineleisure, where we had a 2nd dinner at pastamania... not that good a supper coz our over-food-conversation was about growing fat... xingyi's oven baked pasta had a cold centre so we had to request for them to reheat the pasta... and we were too full to move... finally had to move off to go home... and i was trying to trick xingyi into believing that the bus-stop was further down from youth park.. okay, i'm evil... *laughs*..
realised that when i'm alone.. i tend to swing into 2 states: either i'll think more and talk to God or i'll just go into a state of blankness... i need time off for myself.. i need to think through and work through stuff... since i can't get out of singapore, i have to find some way of taking time off from life.. get what i mean?? meanwhile, have to start working for another upcoming event, which i'm really excited about.. but need the inspiration to come along... =)
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